Well, I discovered last Thursday that M, the Person I was visiting in the old age home, died. Well, stoicism and thankfulness so I made the birthday post and tried not to think about it. The birthday post’s success actually is what is driving me to write this as It was my most popular post to date and showed that there is (probably) some interest in my more personal content.
The purpose of this post is for me to come to some closure. While I wasn’t as connected to M. as I could have been and his death won’t have any major impact on my life. I still feel a hole in the world where he was. It reminds me of my grandfather in a way as I watched them waste away. But in M’s case, the had seemed to have reached a plateau and was still doing what he could to help around in the old age home (he showered and changed his roommates diapers for god’s sake), I didn’t expect him to go and having “see you next week” turn into a “he’s dead” was incredibly jarring.
Now that is the main point really the thing which bothers me the most is that I feel like I never got to conclude anything. Why it reminded me of my grandfather and the classmate who (I barley knew but still) died in a car crash. I never really got to say goodbye there was simply a feeling of one day the person is simply not there anymore. With no peace to make I simply shared in others grief, I felt disconnected and mortal and wonder if any of my actions regarding them ever really meant anything.
And there I’m being selfish. When someone died it was always about what I could have done, or didn’t do, or how I factored into it. And the truth is despite a bit of comfort I provided I didn’t really. And that’s where it truly affects me. I should have been able to help somehow, There should be something I can do and seeing another’s story end with me being unable to do anything about it, That is something I struggle with for the longest period of time what I could have done but didn’t.
Regardless life moves on and I hope to provide less depressing content for you tomorrow and I wish you the very best.