Sometimes I Am Anxious

Well, all the time. I do not relax well, knowing my potential, yet I refuse to pursue it. I will chase after and work on an idea but the moment there is a chance of it actually mattering, the moment I can print a product, produce an art, or communicate to the masses then I falter. I sabotage myself.

Fear comes before the fall, but the fear of the fall prevents me from rising. But it is more than that, my excuse is that I can change the world and that every second count’s once I discover the great change I can make. But then I should be pursuing more not less. I do not need all the leisure I consume, I do not need to read for 2 hours to unwind before bed, heck I don’t even need to be wound up. At this point, I am conditioning myself to fear potential stress, and that never helped anyone.

So what can I do to fix this? Take my own advice work forward, actually get this done early in the day so that I can move to the next thing on my list. Maybe I should spend money, make an investment I must watch. I know I can work on something long term, heck, I am probably weak to sunk costs, 3 times a day I look at what I wanted to be a tomato plant but is just weeds. (the tomato seeds didn’t root.) I am capable of being conscious, and am afraid of spending, well, anything.

But considering opportunity costs, especially with how I overestimate myself, is anxiety-producing every time I bring it up. But that’s the key isn’t it, exposure, getting accustomed to what I fear. I have projects I have mostly completed, that if I wanted to, I could have a product by the end of the month. It wouldn’t necessarily be good, and it would take a large investment of time to actually sell, but I could do it. I can kill my fantasies for a small reality.

But do I want to. Oh I love my fantasies, even my fantasies of having fantasies. My imagination is but a tool for experiencing what isn’t real. For experiencing what isn’t real in an optimal state, and so I can dwell, in dreams of greatness, I can play all the roles in existence, and I don’t have to make anything real. But this is an excuse, it isn’t the real reason, misusing a tool fro the sake of escape is not the reasons I’m trying to escape.

So let me not distract myself with the small excuses, let me face my minor fears. let me face the constant pain, if it scares me I shall approach… No. I fear death and that is going to far. I can say what I want but it might not matter.

So what do I need? what can I actually do? Well, I have tools I’m afraid to use, I get anxious even thinking about them. But I need to do something extreme, or not. Extreme is not the word, more is. I need to do something more than I am willing today, or more than I was willing yesterday. But how? Social obligation. It shall become more disappointing not to do anything, I shall complete my communication circuit with others not family, people I can disappoint, and have them be part. The circuits shall be complete by the end of the week, and to them, I will give my task and time limit.

Until them I shall use what tools I am willing to, and become willing to use more tools. Thank you for listening, and thank you for your time if you did.

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