Sometimes I Am Anxious

Well, all the time. I do not relax well, knowing my potential, yet I refuse to pursue it. I will chase after and work on an idea but the moment there is a chance of it actually mattering, the moment I can print a product, produce an art, or communicate to the masses then I falter. I sabotage myself.

Fear comes before the fall, but the fear of the fall prevents me from rising. But it is more than that, my excuse is that I can change the world and that every second count’s once I discover the great change I can make. But then I should be pursuing more not less. I do not need all the leisure I consume, I do not need to read for 2 hours to unwind before bed, heck I don’t even need to be wound up. At this point, I am conditioning myself to fear potential stress, and that never helped anyone.

So what can I do to fix this? Take my own advice work forward, actually get this done early in the day so that I can move to the next thing on my list. Maybe I should spend money, make an investment I must watch. I know I can work on something long term, heck, I am probably weak to sunk costs, 3 times a day I look at what I wanted to be a tomato plant but is just weeds. (the tomato seeds didn’t root.) I am capable of being conscious, and am afraid of spending, well, anything.

But considering opportunity costs, especially with how I overestimate myself, is anxiety-producing every time I bring it up. But that’s the key isn’t it, exposure, getting accustomed to what I fear. I have projects I have mostly completed, that if I wanted to, I could have a product by the end of the month. It wouldn’t necessarily be good, and it would take a large investment of time to actually sell, but I could do it. I can kill my fantasies for a small reality.

But do I want to. Oh I love my fantasies, even my fantasies of having fantasies. My imagination is but a tool for experiencing what isn’t real. For experiencing what isn’t real in an optimal state, and so I can dwell, in dreams of greatness, I can play all the roles in existence, and I don’t have to make anything real. But this is an excuse, it isn’t the real reason, misusing a tool fro the sake of escape is not the reasons I’m trying to escape.

So let me not distract myself with the small excuses, let me face my minor fears. let me face the constant pain, if it scares me I shall approach… No. I fear death and that is going to far. I can say what I want but it might not matter.

So what do I need? what can I actually do? Well, I have tools I’m afraid to use, I get anxious even thinking about them. But I need to do something extreme, or not. Extreme is not the word, more is. I need to do something more than I am willing today, or more than I was willing yesterday. But how? Social obligation. It shall become more disappointing not to do anything, I shall complete my communication circuit with others not family, people I can disappoint, and have them be part. The circuits shall be complete by the end of the week, and to them, I will give my task and time limit.

Until them I shall use what tools I am willing to, and become willing to use more tools. Thank you for listening, and thank you for your time if you did.

Doorknobs Are For Knobs

Not the first post I tried to write today, but I don’t know in all honesty, when sitting down to write something today I just didn’t want to. And it’s weird I had a fun idea and I looked forward to exploring it but trying to write it out, well it just felt like a chore. So now, I’ll write something, hope it feels natural, and not give a damn about anything else.

“Doorknobs, doorknobs are for knobs. “

“But if I don’t have a doorknob how can I get in do I just use a key?”

“Your just using a weirdly shaped doorknob!”

“Okay okay, so How am I supposed to open doors?”

“I find it often works to if you just hit them hard enough.”

“But what if I’m not strong enough, and…”

“Just find something heavy and swing it, that works for me.”

“And if I want to keep using the door, or to keep out the elements?”

“Than get a stronger door.”

“Then How Do I Get In!?”

“Key card reader, pass-codes, touch-pads, something of that sort?”

“Without Electronics? What if it is somebody else’s door.”

“You mess with the hinges.”

“Let’s ignore the fact that a door that durable probable weighs a ton, what if the hinges are in the inside!?”

“No need to be so angry, you just use a curved piece of metal, like so.”


“Of if the hinges are on the inside you use a metal card like so, this only works if the door isn’t locked but you can easily make a door that requires certain width cards. I once made a door that was compatible only with a certain brand of trading cards.”

“And where do you but such a door? Preferably delivery the day of?”

“Well there’s a place hardly an hours drive away.”

“Good. Now get me a replacement door that only locks adn unloks when cards of this thickness are used.”

“But I can’t drive there?”


“My car’s on the shop.”

“You Can Borrow Mine.”

“But door pulls are almost as bad as knobs.”

So here Is something, very much something. I could probably have made it take up less space and explained the actions taken by the individuals but I was wondering how well I could describe it If I only used the dialog. Hope it was interesting, please respond I feel I can only write so much when I feel as if I’m talking to myself. And if I write something stupid or boring, tell me. Please.
Like this post for example, it may have been stupid, it may have gotten a laugh, but if I ever want to be funnier, I need to know.

Weekend Update

I’ll finish preperparing posts tomorrow, it’s on my schedule and if I finish what I started today then I should have a backup post done. That means no more weekend posts like this one.

Today I don’t have any more content to provide for you because the holey Sabbath is still out after eight and since I’m fixing my sleep schedule I’m not using my main computer (because my phone is also a computer) past 8:30.

Self imposed costs and all that.

So here are 12 Uninhibited Ideas For Movie Titles, I hope my disinhibition makes up for my lack of effort.

  1. The Documentarian
  2. The Cursed Headphones
  3. Hacking The Universe
  4. Falling Of Cliffs
  5. Miranda Said No
  6. Parliament In Space
  7. Lost, Lost, Yet Still, Lost
  8. Marbles Are Like…
  9. Misanthropic Missletoe
  10. Contemptuous Coppers
  11. Kill Khrushchev Yesterday
  12. A World Without Pipes

A Better Direction (Hopefully)

I feel as if I’ve been losing some of my creativity, at least in what I’ve been producing for this blog. I want to be sure that what I’m putting out there is right, that I’m using safe (for lack of a better word) information. But the problem with safe information is that I need external sources to verify. I cannot share the perceptions of my senses as truth, for my senses are flawed, logic and math don’t help if you’re using the wrong numbers, and in my first assessments, I am more often wrong than right.

Meanwhile, some of my greatest posts, or at least my most creative ones, began with a wrong idea, a first guess. By putting my understanding out there I can perceive its flaws, and I can correct many of my errors before sharing my words with the world. So for today and for an indeterminate amount of time after (anywhere from a day to a month to forever), my posts will be based in unsafe thoughts, ideas, and first perceptions re-perceived. I need to internalize that the purpose of this blog is to explore ideas, and this is how.

That being said, I did start a number of posts today but all of my ideas ending up being regressive loops (My reasoning wasn’t very good, so I dismissed it.) And forcing myself to come up with something more won’t work. So I promise to write more stuff down, and so I’ll have ideas to expand upon and post here, but for today I won’t force myself to try and come up with something more.

Goodnight and see you tomorrow.

Scientific Methodologies

So here I shall embrace arrogance because otherwise, I would never write this. I must be willing to be wrong, or I shall never be original, but I must believe myself to be right, or I shall never be willing to share it.
(though I may edit the arrogance out before posting this, I still care too much about how people see me.)

I never liked the scientific method. At least as I originally learned it, a fault in my education maybe, but it is so. My dislike stems from one point alone, the first step of scientific discovery, the need for a hypothesis. I will not claim that the scientific method is a bad thing; it is a tool, an incredibly useful tool, but a tool nonetheless. The biggest thing that bugs me is that it is treated as the only tool, that without it, you cannot perform science. Without declaring a hypothesis, without declaring a goal, declaring what we do not know, is that what is needed to discover truth?

Despite my disposition towards the scientific method, I still see myself as a scientifically minded individual, but for me, the simple fact is that we don’t know what it is that we don’t know. And by deciding on a hypothesis, we set goalposts, and we limit our results to; this hypothesis is correct, it is false, and we do not know. Was I to suggest that we move the goalposts that we in lacking understanding of the truth, attempt to observe events in a controlled environment or matter, the first question I would need to ask would be why? What am I attempting to discover? But would I be given the resources to move forward if I would state that I do not know?

If I was I to compose and collect a series test, some silly most seemingly meaningless, and to put them in front of randomly collected individuals, using a large sample size. If I was to collect those tests (tests such as my “connection machine test”), then were I to look for patterns in the test results and try to create measures and discover what they mean. Would that be scientific?

Alas, I do not know, maybe we need hypotheses in order to create proofs. And I simply am afraid of deciding on a measure. My personal distaste should not stand in the way of discovery, and I still lack the knowledge and understanding to complete this point.

So let me put together a hypothesis here, “We can learn more from failing to prove obvious hypotheses than from succeeding to prove them.” But what we will learn, I do not know.

I apologize if you expected more here I did too. It took a lot out of me to put even this out here so I hope you find something in it. Or at least explain to me how I am wrong because I hope I am.

3 Posts I will write tomorrow

Welp, the curse is on, my procrastination has been legendary. And what I thought was a complete idea turned out to be a mess of thoughts and misunderstandings.

I have less than 20 minutes left to write a post, and I don’t know what I can do to have integrity. (Well I do know, I can stop caring about what people think and put more stuff out here. Also, I can stop procrastinating, and follow the times I set for myself. Easier said than done, so for now. I need to get out more, even if only in digital meetups, current events, and all that.) Oh, I know, I’ll make myself a large task, so make up for not having anything today, and yesterday (I think it turned out pretty decently regardless,) but definitely two days ago… So here are the three posts I’m taking up tomorrow.

Scientific Methodologies – I like long words, at least for the title. This one will be about how we approach problems in scientific ways, and how the scientific method isn’t an all purpose tool.

What If Aliens – a series of what ifs. at least 2000 words.

List Regarding Being Considerate Or At Least Being Considered As Such. – I like to believe I have a wide assortment of skills and information, but I doubt that. What I don’t lack is the willingness to write about it, high intelligence (whatever that means), and the internet.

Connection Machines

Nope, nope not topics I want to cover. The problems with pushing off a topic are I realize how complex the topic is and it becomes something too large to confront at once. Still, I have an hour and twenty minutes to write this so I’ll see what I can come up with. And I’ll write to right away so that if I notice that the topic is more complex I can make a sequel tomorrow. (I’m adding this halfway through writing this post just to tell you I don’t know what inspired me to do this, it wasn’t the original goal I had when approaching the topic, but this blog is about exploring and developing ideas so I gave it a go.)

We humans are connection making machines, but some of us are better than others so I propose a connection making test. it won’t be perfect or even good, and state of mind will be a serious factor so I recommend everyone do a breathing exercise, (for at least five minutes, but 10 minutes is optimal,) before. (3 seconds breath in, 3 seconds hold, 3 seconds breath out. The reason I’m only going for 3 seconds is that then I can get the same response from any reader, to help get everyone in the same state of mind.)

For now, the first version of my test is this, I’m taking thirty randomly generated words, ordering them so that I can find at least two connections between each one and the next.
The test is this take {a predetermined period of time, I thought half an hour but that makes attention span an issue, so 10 minutes.}
Take the following list and try and make connections between each entry and the next. Write or draw something for each connection, and when your done count the number of connections you made.
For the prototype test, If there is one continuous line of connections between three or more entries the connection is worth one point for each entry it connects. Up to two connections between only two entries are worth one point and for every two additional connections between those same two entries, one point is added. The first connection between two non-subsequent entries, not part of a series, is worth one point with no points being added for additional connections after that. The final score by the end of the ten minutes is counted. (The test would still be better if people could take an hour or even two. so it didn’t feel like a race.)

  1. Shock
  2. Effect
  3. Angel
  4. Gesture
  5. Tray
  6. Pig
  7. Quantity
  8. Density
  9. Loot
  10. Killer
  11. Final
  12. Valid
  13. Command
  14. Requirement
  15. Related
  16. Mild
  17. Disaster
  18. Exclusive
  19. Representative
  20. Express
  21. Disaster
  22. Adjust
  23. Discuss
  24. Approach
  25. Monkey
  26. Motivation
  27. Passage
  28. Gas
  29. Disk
  30. Feature

Post 300

And I reached the millstone with my project incomplete (I wanted to list all the mistakes from my previous posts, but as most of the mistakes were born of ignorance, I am not yet sure of what to correct.) I just can’t come up with a post deserving of the place. And so, I’ll simply write 300 words, nothing more nothing else, it’s all I have for today. I hope I have a better post for you tomorrow.

A day had passed, and nothing lasted; I still felt reduced by time.
A young man who lost his path was a young man with no path a year later.
It is a shame when nothing be, in the place of genius and the highest dreams.
So one day is marked and then another; time will last it will be seen.
I will record my every move every day I will observe.
I will write down my every action and let my tired self observe.
Time will pass the days be simple using shorthand in memory’s place.
But one thing will be true after, every day will show some gain.
I will know what I’ve been doing body, music, spirit, brain.
And one day I will look back, this will be my source of gain.

So yeah, if it doesn’t help, I’ll put together a separate website and find every way to remove my privacy. If my self-image can’t be a good motivator, I’ll use shame and embarrassment instead.

I wish to be an artist I want to create something great.

I wish to change the world for the better but I fear any change I make will lead to negative consequences.

I like to claim I have enough power but I don’t know how much power is needed.

I doubt my every move and action because I know we are all wrong at least half of the time.

Well, apparently I wrote out three hundred and fifty-eight words including this. I hope you enjoy my somewhat unfiltered thoughts. Well, my afterthoughts in a way I had some of this in my head before and then I just, I don’t know even.

8 Possible Sources Of Purpose

Well yesterday’s post got lost, I don’t know where it ended up but it didn’t end up here, so I apologize for breaking my promise. In addition, my progress on post 300 is pretty much nonexistent, I don’t know how to make it work or what to do, I’m not even sure If I’ve made mistakes or not in some scenarios. So here’s here. I hope to do something for post 300 but don’t get your fingers crossed. Here’s today’s post, I don’t know why I’m writing about this topic but it’s what came up.

  1. Family – the next generation, continuation of yourself in a way, or possibly the continuation of some parts of yourself. The creation of another human being, cooperation, and unity with another, I do not know how to explain family, and I don’t know how to explain purpose, but one leads to another. And in a biological sense, it is one of the truest purposes available to us.
  2. Friends – a substitute for family but not necessarily lesser. Humans, as a species, are capable of being tricked into thinking of unrelated humans in the same field of family, and this is a glorious thing. But friends are more than that, they too are cooperation, but they extend further, beyond the realm of tribe, yet within it, something that provides for and allows for empathy, with friends families become tribes, to cooperate, with other tribes, but not to love.
  3. Art – poetry music. Sustaining your influence in memory and not in flesh. And while you may continue your memory in flesh one is more important, if art is for its own sake, you will share it with your children, and the purpose will be fulfilled. If art is for your own sake, it will leave you empty, yet occasionally full, a vessel for human knowledge and creation, but it can also be a bridge a way to become others or to allow others to become you.
  4. Great Acts – not all can create art, but the investment of time and effort still yields results. It is a similar mechanism the leaving of a mark, not by harnessing human ingenuity necessarily, but instead by dint of great effort and devotion to something. Not all ideas begin in the individual, but many can take on the ideas of others and make them their own.
  5. War – creating and uniting with a tribe a family, fighting to protect or for their benefit. Soldiers are trained to think of each other as brothers, and the unity with a primal tribe, a fighting for the whole provide purpose in war.

    But these are all great purposes things that are large and general imposing themselves on the whole of our lives. Why were these what came up when I write this? I do not know, but when I write stories and fiction, these are the topics I shall aspire to explore, and that is where I’ll try to give them justice.
    Here let me find smaller things, ones that would seem insubstantial, small purposes, and wonder if any hold a candle to the large ones. (Despite there seeming impact, they are still lesser in a personal way. The greatest of world purpose hardly holds the same weight as a smaller purpose; a great purpose takes work to build to become something with impact. It is something we should create. I can not do small as I originally intended today, but I can do something more.)
  6. Fiction – the worlds of others, the human experience, sharing, and creativity. This but not of one’s own, fueled by the words of others, it can provide a purpose for those lost in a machine. Something that can provide perspective, what the machine serves and works toward, sometimes an escape a way out and a way forward. Always sharing in the purposes of others.
  7. World Peace – something that eludes us, unity with an ideal. Something greater morally, but farther from the biological and natural purposes, often one that borrows in the way of fiction, but one that gives more than takes, always pushing forward but with no direct path. One path may be declared above all others, but the complexity of the matter is what proves its distance.
  8. Sharing – a deep, unique expression. More real than the tribes but to truly be a purpose above, it is removed, built up, and extended beyond its natural reach. Sharing does not constitute a complete purpose as it is removed from its tribalistic routes; it is an idea we serve and advance. And it is worth the effort.

12 Blessings Backfire

Well in a sense. I’m coming up with the blessings you can word something well, maybe. Many of these may be similar to “be careful what you wish for,” but blessing are just wishes on behalf of other people. I wonder why blessings feel more real.

  1. Beautiful Gardens – Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and as a child, if you like the pretty flowers that happen to be weeds you will have trouble keeping your gardens ordered
  2. May you never fail in your tasks – This only helps if you set the right targets. and can hurt if you set the wrong ones, “I’m gonna beat you in a drinking contest” easily becomes “I’m in a coma”.
  3. May you be successful and prolific – likely a good blessing, but may end up in you losing all you’re money to child support. (only if you have assholic tendencies.)
  4. All your requests will be respected – decent for adults but make spoiled children, or depending on how respect is interpreted it may make for overly serious children. “Where did grandpa go?” would if respected by the parents come up with a far sadder answer. Of course, maybe it’s better for the children in the long run to get honest answers and in my opinion, it is, but I’m not a parent.
  5. Deep and filling sleep – good in a safe scenario, will get you eaten by a lion in others.
  6. I wish you success in all your endeavor – Is it fun to win to everything? Winning is fun because losing is an option, and this is bound to build up a narcissistic personality. You’re not like others you win, always.
  7. May your exercise always pays off – can build healthy habits. Can also have people expect results and when they do something with unclear results quickly think of it as a failure. If that is overcome it becomes a wholly positive blessing.
  8. You shall never be afraid – eaten by lions again.
  9. All people shall be honest in their dealing with you – people will notice and some of them will choose not to deal with you. This is fine, as long as you don’t ask any embarrassing questions, but if you do, expect a whole lot of people not to want to deal with you.
  10. May you always have a new adventure – tiredness, always a new path to take, but sometimes a new path that must be taken by any moral individual. Responsibility can be a heavy burden.
  11. Flawless skin – may come in the way of absorption of certain vitamins, may be noticed by others, and may make it so that deodorant and makeups just slide off.
  12. Riches and wealth – If you don’t work for it it is bound to produce laziness, and possibly guilt, and maybe a distance from the people you grew up with. When people work to earn their wealth they meet others like them, they know they deserve what they have, or maybe not imposter syndrome is a thing.

I ended on not the happiest note so I wish you a day of success, and that you may achieve focus and flow in your everyday activities. Also that you may achieve even greater focus on flow when attempting greater activities, you don’t have to be satisfied with less.